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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My husband of many years has an offensive eating habit.When finishing his meal, he takes the plate or bowl, puts it to his mouth as one would a drinking glass, and shovels the remains into his mouth. As he does it he makes little sucking movements with his lips like an animal lapping food from a bowl. I find it revolting, but how can I address it without offending him?

Signed, Gloria
From Flagstaff, Arizona

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Dear Gloria,

What your husband is doing is rude and disgusting. The best way to bring him to the negotiating table, is for you to be even more rude and more disgusting, and do it publicly at a restaurant. Ok, here are some of my suggestions. The next time he begin pouring food in his mouth from a plate, start howling like the wolfman during a full moon. The amount of stares you both will get, might shame him into not eating like someone that just came off of a hunger strike. Or you could stop using eating utensils altogether. Just use you hands to eat meat, vegetables, and even cereal. Or, try this. Put your plate on the floor while at a restaurant as if it were a dog dish and start eating like a canine, and also be sure to growl at every patron that walks pass you. But this last idea is one that I think he’ll remember the longest. Bring a plate with you to a restaurant. And then stop by several tables where people are dining, putting some of their food on your plate. When they angrily ask you why you did that, nervously tell them that your physically abusive husband ordered you to, or there will be consequences when you get home. After he gets brutally assaulted by a gang of people, his offensive dining habits will stop, unless he finds a vulgar way to eat at a hospital while being fed through a straw. I hope this helps.

Blake

• December 23, 2018


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