Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am a morning person, and my newly retired husband is the opposite. At night in our bedroom, he reads on his iPad for several hours while I try to sleep. I am in bed by 11 while my husband usually stays up till 1 or 2 a.m. If I wake up, he’s on our couch in the bedroom with a glow of light from the iPad. But it bothers me that he is in the same room staying up to read. We have been married 45 years and usually went to bed at the same time because of work, but now that he’s retired, he says he likes reading, watching movies or watching videos on YouTube. I think he should read in another room (better for his eyes) and not the room I am sleeping in. He doesn’t want to sit in our living room. Bottom line: It bothers me that one person is doing an activity while the other sleeps or tries to sleep. What would be your advice?

Signed, Rita
From Mobile, Alabama

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Rita,

What your husband is doing is selfish and insensitive. Fighting fire with fire might not be aggressive enough, so I suggest that you use a blow torch. For starters, try this. Every time he reads in the middle of the night when you’re trying to sleep, before you go to work in the morning, put that particular book in a blender. And just in case he might try to put the pieces back together, put the blender on high/ liquidate. As far as the light from his iPad, the next time he uses it when you’re trying to snooze, snatch it from him, smash it with a sledgehammer, and tell him the next time it will be his head. Or, you can let out a blood curdling scream when he interrupts your slumber, that is so loud, the neighbors call the police because it sounds like you’re being tortured, in which you are. But this is my favorite idea. Every night before you go to bed, let him see you watching “The Karate Kid” or any Bruce Lee movie. When he wakes you up because of his stupidity, viciously attack him, using kicks, punches, or even nunchucks. If he continues to do it after several night beatings, let him see you watching the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. I hope this helps.

Blake

• December 30, 2018


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or