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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

This spring, my entire family will be traveling 15 hours away for a wedding. I was excited about it until my family started making plans. I’m 21 and live alone, so I’m pretty independent from my parents. The thought of being around them 24/7 for a week straight drives me crazy. They took it upon themselves to rent me a hotel room on the same floor as everyone else, and even went so far as buying a camper so everyone could go together. Ideally, I’d like to travel there independently, spend time as a family during the wedding, then have some alone time and enjoy the trip. I’m under so much pressure to please my family that I’m not even sure I still want to go. I know my family would be hurt if I don’t go, but I feel like if I do, they will be upset because I won’t be with them 24/7. Either I stay home and miss out, or go to the wedding and be annoyed. Advice?

Signed, Morris
From Flagstaff, Arizona

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Dear Morris,

Because it’s an important family gathering, I understand your parents wanting you there. However being cooped up for days with people from an older generation, can force even the most mild mannered person to abuse alcohol. Anyway, here are some options you should consider. Try to get your parents to give you lots of space. Don’t bathe for about a month before the wedding, and tell your parents that you joined a religious cult that precludes you from bathing, because you now believe soap, toothpaste, and deodorant are instruments of the devil. At that point, your parents will probably put you on a different floor, in a different hotel. Or, you can tell them you got mixed up with the underworld, and the contract that was put on your life, encourages the men carrying the machine guns to eliminate all witnesses during your assassination. Here’s another idea that might work. While travelling with them, sing nonstop off key in a genre of music that they don’t like. Consider belting out opera or reggae since those seem to irritate most people. However, if you simply just don’t want to go, then don’t. More than likely, the marriage is going to eventually end up in a divorce. And when that happens, you can tell your parents that the reason why you didn’t want to go, is because you had a premonition that it wouldn’t last, and you didn’t want to be present when the bride and groom make one of the biggest mistakes in their pathetic lives. You can also inform your parents that your therapist told you, that if you were around them 24/7, within one day, you’ll be on a 24 hour suicide watch. I hope this helps.

Blake

• February 2, 2019


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