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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I’m a 15 year old student who maintains a decent GPA. However, my parents believe they have a genius in the making. Since I started at a new school, my mother has been pressuring me more than twice as much. She no longer talks to me except to pester me about that B or C in algebra or any other class. I understand that she wants me to be smart, and I know I should be trying to live up to her expectations of a flawless, straight-A student, but I don’t believe I can. Please help me.

Signed, Warren
From Santa Monica, California

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Dear Warren,

I understand your parent’s desire for you to get very good grades. However in this case you should start doing things that will make them regret you were ever born. Ok, here are some suggestions. Tell them lately that you feel energetic and inspired to excel in school, thanks to their encouragement… and your cocaine dealer. Or, you can suggest to your parents, that if you don’t do well in school, for them to follow the current trend, and to bribe your way into a nice college. And hopefully they will be very proud to eventually see you walk down the aisle with a Masters Degree, assuming they don’t get caught and will be sitting in a federal prison. And this idea might work. Tell them due to your “genius” mind, you have invented a device that can control a person’s actions and thoughts, and you plan on giving it to one them to be used on the other, for a reasonable fee. But if you really want make an impression, try this. Anytime there is a gloomy night with plenty of lightning, lock your bedroom door, and tell them you are working on a secret project. But before that, let them see that you have been searching on the internet to buy various body parts that you plan on assembling later, like Frankenstein. And while they are sleeping on that stormy evening, glue some plastic bolts on their necks. Also, have some GoPro cameras in their bedroom for when they wake-up and see each other, so you can document what it’s like for a couple having simultaneously, full cardiac arrest. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• March 30, 2019


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