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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

A child in my son’s second-grade class goes by the name “Sir _____ _____,” and if anyone leaves out “Sir,” he corrects them (and not very nicely). The family claims the child has been knighted, but the details become vague when asked. I did some digging around. This child’s name isn’t on the official British list of knighted citizens. It’s impossible to inherit the title “Sir” and basically unheard of for an American 7-year-old boy to legitimately be given the title. I feel titles should be earned (such as “Dr.,” “Captain,” or “Mrs.”), not made up to generate a sense of power over those around you. May I tell my son it’s OK not to use this bogus title?   

Signed, Nora
From Chicago, Illinois

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Dear Nora,

I have no idea if “Sir” is part of the child’s birth name. However if it is, he will embrace a certain amount of arrogance, and I think it would be in his best interest to be knocked a few notches, by encouraging your son assist in terrorizing this future snob. So, here are some of my suggestions in doing that. Have your son explain the situation to his classmates. Then have one of the girls request to Sir Idiot to call her “Witch Wanda”, and if he doesn’t, for her to hit him on the head with a broom that she alleges actually flies. Have your son convince the class bully to have Sir Galahad refer to him as “Knuckles Nicholas”, and if he ever doesn’t, have KN promise that little twit that he’ll be wearing dentures before he starts the third grade. Find another nice little girl… that demands to be called “Switchblade Sally”, and have her tell him that if he doesn’t, she’ll slice and dice him faster than a blender on steroids. And if none of those work try this. Have one of his classmates demand that he be called “Coroner Carl”. And to drive the point home to that phony aristocratic brat, tell “Coroner Carl” to show him a body bag in his backpack. I hope this helps.

Blake

• April 13, 2019


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