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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My husband and I have been together for 20 years. I have never cheated on him or given him any reason to believe I have. But he is constantly on my Facebook account. He also reads all my emails and text messages. I have nothing to hide, but I feel foolish standing by him as he reads my messages. I feel like a student in a principal’s office waiting to be reprimanded for something I did wrong or said. If he doesn’t read my personal messages when I am up, he waits for me to go to sleep and reads everything. I have not answered messages that friends have sent me because he reads them, deletes them and then doesn’t tell me I got a message. He gets mad at me if I tell him I don’t want him looking through my messages because he says I must be hiding something. I have changed passwords only for him to demand that I give them to him. His actions are making me extremely stressed. What should I do?

Signed, Loretta
From San Antonio Texas

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Dear Loretta,

Your husband is obviously a very insecure man. The only thing I can suggest for you to do, is to show that unstable moron what it feels like to be treated that way. Here are some examples. When he’s home, follow him everywhere he goes… including the bathroom, and tell him you are concerned that he might be contacting someone without your knowledge or approval. If he says he’s leaving the phone with you, accuse him then of trying to contact others through telepathy. Or, when he goes to work, follow him in your car. And if your boss asks him to explain your presence, order your husband to immediately quit his job, after you threaten to punch his boss in the face for not minding his own business. You can even demand that anytime there is a woman on tv, for him to turn his immediately to insure he’s not fantasizing about her, and make sure he turns his head so fast, that he will eventually have a form of whiplash. But if that bonehead insists on reading your texts, give him something that will encourage him to refrain from such behavior. Have someone text you that claims they are a psychiatrist. And have the doctor beg you not kill your husband in his sleep because his insecurities are driving you crazy. And if your husband doesn’t take the indirect advice, he’ll definitely have another problem… called “insomnia”. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• September 8, 2019


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