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BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS – North York, Ontario, Canada – Heinz has finally solved the problem of ketchup being impossible to pour. The new bottle design that shows fans exactly how to hold it. Apparently, holding the bottle at about a 45-degree angle puts it at the perfect pouring position. According to the instructions, this should be done, after the individual slams the bottle against their own foreheads several times. “The impact is no worse than getting hitting in the head with a hockey puck,” Heinz Canada explained. “And that happens to almost every citizen in this nation on a weekly basis.”

• September 6, 2019


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