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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My girlfriend and I have been together going on two years, and I feel like I want to marry her. I have already asked her father. Recently she told me she wants to move closer to her family. They live in the middle of nowhere, and the only city close to them has extremely poor job prospects for both of us. As of right now they’re a four-hour drive away from us, which I think is a reasonable distance. We moved here only six months ago, and now she’s clamoring to get back closer to home. To complicate things, I prefer an urban living environment, and that seems not to be an option. My girlfriend says she would be open to moving in the future, but if I’m being honest, that seems unlikely. What can I say to her?

Signed, Ryan
From Charleston, West Virginia

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Dear Robert,

If you move near her family, you will remain there indefinitely. Because once you’re married, she will keep you in line with guilt, non-stop whining, and incessant nagging, and as a woman, she would be in her biological genetic rights. If you move there, you will probably experience some culture shock, so let me prepare you. When you and your wife get into a major scream-fest, the nearest neighbor is so far away that they won’t be able to hear any yelling… or a shot gun blast. Whether you move deep into the woods or on the side of a hill, you will have to adjust to the dirt floor in the rickety shack you’ll be living in, and embrace the custom of those people, which is adding moonshine to Similac for newborns. Since people in that state often marry abnormally young, do not be surprise that if you eventually have a son, in the 8th grade he comes from school and announces that his 13 year old girlfriend is going to make both of you grandparents in less than six months. But there will be one financial benefit you’ll receive from moving to one of those primitive villages. Your wife won’t spend a penny on make-up since all of the women in those small out of the way communities are extremely homely looking. And fortunately, she won’t be able to gauge how bad she looks since all the other women are just as bland in their appearance. Also, after you move, destroy all of the mirrors in your home. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• October 5, 2019


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