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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I am an older woman who finally got fed up with my husband’s cellphone addiction. Since he would no longer speak to me but spent all his time scrolling on his device, I went out and bought a realistic-looking baby doll. When he pulled out his cell, I pulled out my doll. I talked to it, fiddled with its buttons and carried it everywhere. He finally yelled at me, “It’s not real!” to which I replied, “It’s real; it’s just not alive. LIKE YOUR CELLPHONE.” This final scene was played out in the dining room of our country club, which was filled with members. The phone and “baby” stayed in the car after that. We laugh about it now, and she’s resting comfortably in her carrier, just in case she’s ever needed again. Do you think I handled that ok?

Signed, Valerie
From Lansing, Michigan

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Dear Valerie,

You handled that with some very unique creativity! But in case he waits a while and continues his cellphone addiction, here is a tip to bring him to his knees; tell him the doll talks to you through telepathy, and then relay the “messages”. For starters, tell him the doll wants him to go to the gym and work out because he looks awful, and then let the doll through you, start breaking down his physical flaws to the point where he is reduced to tears. Inform him that doll stated that he needs to get rid of his cell phone and get a landline or walkie-talkie, and for your husband not to worry about missing any calls because he doesn’t have any friends and no one likes him. Or you can say that the doll told you that the guy you had a major crush on in high school is now available. Add he also thinks about her every day… plus he doesn’t own a cell phone. However, keep in mind that acts of kindness can be very persuasive. So this is what I suggest. Prepare his favorite food for dinner, including his favorite dessert. When he asks why you’re doing, tell him in a very creepy treacherous tone, that the doll said if he doesn’t cut down on his cell phone usage, this will be his last meal on earth. My guess is, either he’ll honor your request, or he’ll sleep at a hotel that night, before going to court the following morning and filing a restraining order against you… and the doll. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• November 30, 2019


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