Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS – El Paso, Texas – Former Texas Democrat congressman Beto O’Rourke announced Friday he is withdrawing from the 2020 presidential race, telling supporters “it is clear to me now that this campaign does not have the means to move forward successfully.” O’Rourke entered the race in March to great fanfare after nearly defeating Texas incumbent Sen. Ted Cruz in the 2018 midterms but struggled to gain traction in the massive Democratic primary field. He also made it clear who he thinks is responsible for him getting out of the race. “I blame Christians that owns guns that has caused me to end my campaign,” he began. “They have consistently went out of their way to embarrass me by quoting me in context. I have made it clear that I am against guns, and I am for churches losing their tax status for embracing teachings from the bible that offends heathens. And I am especially against Christians that owns guns. In my view, there is no excuse to use a deadly weapon on an intruder if you’re a Christian. The proper thing to do is for the family to gather during the break-in, and pray during windows being smashed and doors getting kicked down, that God will stop the burglar. If God doesn’t stop the intruder, it means God didn’t want you to have the possessions the burglar is removing. I don’t know the bible as well as I used to, but I believe that teaching is in either the third or fourth testament.”

Beto O'Rourke

• November 4, 2019


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or