Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – In remarks on the Senate floor Wednesday, Sen. Mitt Romney of Utah announced his vote on the articles of impeachment against President Trump. Romney said he will vote to convict Trump on the first article of impeachment regarding abuse of power. “This has been the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my life,” he began. “I have several reasons for wanting to see President Trump removed, so I’ll touch on a couple of them. First of all, his past confirms that he is not fiscally responsible. He has been married three times and paid for three different expensive lavish weddings. Had he consulted the Book of Mormon, he would’ve paid for just one ceremony, by marrying all three women at the same time. And secondly, he won an office that I should’ve won in 2012. Had he toughened me up, instead of watching me play the wimpy nice guy, I would’ve won, yet he didn’t offer any badly needed advice. Some people may accuse me of basing my decision to convict on envy, there’s a lot of truth in that. However, I am currently dealing with that issue in my life, as I go to a weekly support group that’s also attended by Hillary Clinton. And our sessions is helping us deal with our intense envy toward President Trump, which causes both me and the former Secretary of State to often say stupid things prompted by an equal mixture of jealousy and mental instability. And we feel the president is responsible for both of our current mindsets, as Hillary and I continue our accelerated slide into the horrors of insanity.”

Donald TrumpHillary ClintonMitt Romney

• February 6, 2020


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or