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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

Today was warm, so my friend and I went for a walk with my dog at a neighborhood park. We decided to rest on a park bench that was shaded by trees. A man was sitting there, and I asked if he would mind if we shared the bench with him. The man said he was waiting for a personal call. I told him we wouldn’t listen and sat down. The man stood up and said angrily that we should have respected the fact he was there first and stalked off! Were we wrong to sit down?

Signed, Alice
From Madison, Wisconsin

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Dear Alice,

It sounds like the man is waiting on a very important call. That should be more than enough motivation for you to attempt to destroy his reputation to the person contacting him during the conference. So, here are some of my suggestions. You should’ve started screaming as if he was abducting you, and then muffled your voice as if he is putting his hand over your mouth. Or, you could’ve made sounds as if he was strangling a puppy, while your friend shrieks in terror in the background. You could’ve even accused him of lying, telling him that his personality suggests to you that he doesn’t have any friends that would ever call him. And finally, you could’ve made him appear to the person he’s talking to that he’s a pervert, as you and your friend repeatedly demand for him to put his pants on while he is “allegedly” walking toward a school bus. That should be enough for the shocked person he’s talking to, to immediately hang up… and give a detailed description of him after they call 911. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• March 8, 2020


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