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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I’m a mother and I have five kids, 7, 9, 11, 13, and 15. My marriage is great, but our kids are driving us crazy! Anytime we come home from work and something is broken, no one admits to anything, and they all stick together so we cannot punish the right person. This makes me and my husband so angry! I’ve been told that you can be very “aggressive” with your advice, and in this case, that’s exactly what I need.

Signed, Debbie
From St. George, Utah

* * * * * * * *

Dear Debbie,

Large families can often be fulfilling and rewarding. On the other hand, even though your kids are unified, there are still some effective ways to make these little punks start pointing fingers. If no one confesses to an infraction, threaten to buy all of their clothes indefinitely from Goodwill until someone does. Do a Google search on POW’s worldwide, to learn what are the best ways to extract information from a stubborn detainee. But my personal favorite is the one I’m strongly recommending. On weekends, chain them all together and give them no food, while you and your husband have something comparable to a Thanksgiving banquet in front of them. And then put plates of delicious smelling food in front of them that they can’t reach, with a fan behind it constantly blowing the aroma in their direction. And to ensure that they can’t sleep at night, put a microphone near each of them, that’s connected to a PA system, and turn the volume up full blast. The horrible sound of their growling stomachs will more than likely be irritating enough for them to turn on each other. While this is going on, you and your husband should be resting comfortably in a nice hotel to avoid the distracting noises. If you think you’ll be doing this often, go to the same hotel, because regulars can often get discounted rates. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice ColumnThanksgiving

• March 16, 2014


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