Dear Blake,

This Christmas I am on a tight budget. I still want to give people I care about gifts but my finances clearly limit my options. Got any ideas?

Signed, Ruth

From Boston, Massachusetts

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Dear Ruth,

It’s good to see that you have the Christmas spirit. Keep in mind, as long as you give someone a gift, that’s all that really counts, no matter how insulted they may feel at how little you spent on them. If you have a very attractive female friend, buy her a packet of florescent permanent magic markers that she can use for make-up. If she’s sick and tired of men constantly hitting on her, she will appreciate it when they back off due to how creepy she’ll look, especially at night. If you have a teenage son or nephew who’s hormones are in overdrive, give him a framed copy of the laws regarding child support, including the incarceration statutes of dead beat dads. And one last idea that will cost you very little. Do you have a lazy friend or relative that has no desire to seek employment? Purchase for them a 24 x 36 piece of cardboard that they’ll eventually need when they stand on street corners begging for money and food. And to show your compassionate side, also include a list of choice spots where people are the most generous to these raggedy, whiskey-smelling derelicts. I hope this helps.


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