BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – In an attempt to show she is tough on terrorism, Hillary Clinton has vowed if elected, she will ban the sale and distribution of pressure cookers in the United States because they have been used to make bombs. And to show she has zero tolerance for violence, she also promises to reduce child abuse from young parents that condone corporal punishment, by mandating extensive background checks done on anyone trying to purchase a wooden spoon.

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