BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – While holding an electric razor, a defiant Jill Stein of the Green Party threatened to shave her head if the recount doesn’t declare her the victor and president of the United States. “With my new look, I’ll walk the streets and scare every small child in town,” she angrily stated. “And I will violate all restraining orders filed against me by any local preschools!”

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