BREAKING NEWS – Helena, Montana – Republican Greg Gianforte won Montana’s special election despite being charged with body slamming liberal journalist Ben Jacobs just hours before polls opened across the state. At his victory speech, he used the platform to issue a public apology. “When you make a mistake, you have to own up to it. So, to all of the people that voted for me, I apologize for not throwing that idiot reporter to the ground a lot harder.”

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