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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

Recently, I attended my daughter’s high school graduation. It was an outdoor event, and to my chagrin, the whole crowd to our left was talking over the speakers, which made it impossible to hear. My children, who also could not hear, were mortified when I shushed the group very loudly. It made no difference, but the argument now is that I acted inappropriately. I believe I was right, and I wish I had even stood up and asked loudly for them to please be quiet. What do you think?

Signed, Loretta

From Lansing, Michigan

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Dear Loretta,

I feel bad for you that you had to endure such a compelling distraction to such an important event. In the future, you should come prepared to shut up those type of disrespectful idiots. Here are some options you should consider. Bring a slingshot, and use, marbles as projectiles, because I thought I heard somewhere, that minor concussions can affect the vocal cords. Put a scorpion or a black widow down their shirts. They’ll probably be screaming, but that sound will fade as the quickly exit the facility heading for the nearest hospital. Give them a very nasty look, and then let them see you reaching into your purse and pull out a silencer. My last suggestion is this. Bring a dozen eggs with you. When one or more morons refuse to stop talking, get behind each one of them while holding two eggs, and simultaneously squish them in their ears. When he or she angrily stands up to confront you, point to them and shout, “This person supports ISIS, Nazis, and they are pro-slavery!” There should be more than enough people in the audience that would be offended by such a person, and would immediately commence to beating them to a pulp. While this is taking place, you can move closer to the front so you can have a better view of whatever event you are attending. And you should not feel guilty about the riot that’ll take place, because it’s not your fault that people in this melting pot society tend to be violent, rather than calmly discussing their cultural differences. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• June 24, 2017


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