Dear Blake,

I’m a fifth-grader, and I’d like to know something important to boys my age. I want to know how to get a girl to be my girlfriend and the steps to getting her. I know what you’re going to say — I’m too young for girls. But if I am, I would like this information for future reference. I have tried other things. Nothing worked, and basically, you’re my last hope.

Signed, Arnold

From Biloxi, Mississippi

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Dear Arnold,

There are countless ways to get the attention of a girl or woman. By my observation and personal experience, females seems to gravitate toward worthless losers because they think they can change them. If you want a girl to like you, tell her during the summer you were in juvenile detention, and if you were charged as an adult, you’d still be in prison, probably solitary confinement. Here’s another idea. Intentionally fail all of your classes so you get straight Fs, and say to the girl that caught your eye,  it is your personal protest against the substandard educational system. Let your female classmates see you writing a letter to the principal, stating that you feel it’s unfair to ban automatic weapons from being brought on to campus. On the other hand, if nothing seems to work, try chivalry. The next time you become attracted to a smart girl that takes education serious, open doors for her, pull out a chair and seat her in the cafeteria, and even carry her books to school. If you do all things, you should be able to easily con her into doing your homework to keep the burden of learning off of you… especially if she’s not very popular, lonely, and homely. I hope this helps,


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