BREAKING NEWS – Former Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly tried to meddle in Middle East peace talks, allegedly telling a close associate of Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas not to “yield to President Trump’s demands.” Israeli news outlet Maariv reported on the apparent meeting between Kerry and Hussein Agha in London, where the 2004 Democratic presidential nominee also reportedly floated a possible encore bid in 2020. A leaked email from Kerry to Abbas confirmed his intention to run again. It read in part, “In 2004 I was labeled the ugliest man to ever run for office. In 2020, I will use my ghoulishness to my advantage. Based on my appearance, I should be able to easily garnish the support of zombies, coroners, and morticians. And my ultimate prize in that demographic, are the millions of ‘The Walking Dead’ fans.”

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