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PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS – Las Vegas, Nevada – Casinos all over Sin City are now accepting wagers on what will happen in the democratic debates in late June. Here are the current betting odds:

Cory Booker – 32-1 he’ll say that his face alone will garnish the support of non-racist skinheads as well as people who love coconuts

Pete Buttigieg – 33-1 he’ll admit that his “wooden” appearance is because he used to be a marionette puppet that came to life, and he once had a crush on Pinocchio

Kamala Harris – 18-1 that she’ll allege only a sexist male will oppose any of her policies… that most women already oppose

Bill de Blasio – 8-1 that he’ll promise if elected president, he will easily unite this country… against him

Beto O’Rourke – 9-1 that while waving his arms wildly when he speaks as he commonly does, he accidentally put someone’s eye out

Bernie Sanders – 4-1 that his microphone picks up the sound of his bones creaking when he moves

Elizabeth Warren – 22-1 she’ll allege she can read two languages, with the second one being smoke signals

Joe Biden – 3-1 in his opening remarks he’ll request people not to hold against him some of the stupid things he said in the past, and the stupid things he’ll say during the debate

Bernie SandersBeto O'RourkeBill de BlasioCory BookerElizabeth WarrenJoe BidenKamala HarrisPete Buttigieg

• May 31, 2019


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