Dear Blake,

I am a father of four. My sons are 62 and 52. The older one calls me about every two months; the younger one hasn’t called me in nearly two years. One of my daughters last spoke to me three years ago. My remaining child, a daughter, stays in regular contact with me about once a week. They all live far away out west. I have tried to contact each of my children lovingly, but have not been successful for the most part. I now have end-stage cardiac disease and will soon be joining hospice. I know I will be well looked after as I have thoroughly researched every care facility I can think of, from this Hospice Cincinnati to the one I eventually chose which was a little closer to home. I’m not inclined to tell my children very much though, since they have been so unresponsive in the past. I would welcome your suggestions.

Signed, Vince

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Dear Vince,

I’m glad to see your one daughter is staying in contact with you. As far as your other kids, they need to be horse whipped, pistol whipped, or the combination of the two. Anyway, you wanted my suggestion so here they are. Try to figure out how to get all of those losers to visit you at the hospice, and be sure and greet them with a powerful hug. Then tell them that you have a highly contagious disease, that’s transmitted by the touch, and you have already given their names to the hospice who will be assigning them beds in the near future. Or you can send them a note that says you buried a $100,000 in the backyard of a neighbor on the block you used to live on, and have a food stain on the exact address so they can’t be sure which home. Your kids if they are greedy, will go digging soon, and won’t mind enduring the beatings from your neighbors and/or the countless dog bites. You might like this idea too. At the reading of your will, have the executor proclaim every embarrassing and personal thing about your kids, handing a copy of it to everyone there, and then inform them that a copy of it is simultaneously being placed on the windshields of every car within a five block radius of where they live. Finally, this is my favorite idea. Before you pass on, find an impressionist that will learn to speak in your voice. And after your funeral while your children are on their way home, have the impressionist freak them out, calling the ones that you feel has abandoned you, telling them exactly what you think of them in harsh words. Also have him follow that the next morning at about 2 a.m. saying you were just informed that all of them will eventually be burning in hell, while playing some creepy background music. I hope this helps.

Blake

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