Dear Blake,

I don’t smoke, but my mother and fiancee are chain smokers. This is particularly annoying when the three of us eat together because they always light up during the meal. For example, they’ll almost always have a cigarette after the salad, another before the dessert and then two or three cigarettes afterward. It ruins the meal for me. I’m really disappointed in my fiancee, who seems to have forgotten her promise to quit smoking before our wedding day. Is there anything I can do about their smoking at the dinner table? And should I remind my fiancee about her promise to give up cigarettes and be a smoke-free bride?

Signed, Ron
From Tulsa, Oklahoma

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Dear Ron,

To non-smokers, the smell of cigarettes can be pretty disgusting. Thus I would encourage you to use any means necessary to encourage them to quit, even if it involves injuries. Ok, here are some of my ideas. Every time they light up, pretend to snort a line of some “phony” cocaine and tell them you’ll quit your habit once they have quit theirs. And if you feel they still haven’t quit at your next family gathering, have a syringe sitting next to your plate that you tell them is filled with heroine. Or you can show them what it’s like to endure that stench, by smoking the biggest smelliest cigars you can find in their presence. And to drive the point home, mix some fertilizer with the tobacco. Or how about when they try to light up, spray some lighter fluid on the flame. Once they see the ball of fire inches from their faces, they should be reluctant to smoke around you, unless they want an “express” tan. And finally, you might want to consider this suggestion. Every time they light up during the meal, pour a bucket of ice water over their heads. Eventually one of them will quit smoking around you, after the other one dies of pneumonia. I hope this helps.

Blake

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