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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I met a young couple about a year ago. They invite me out for lunch every few months. They have several children they allow to run all over the place, climb over and under the table, cry and whine, and they make no effort to teach them proper behavior in restaurants. It’s so annoying and embarrassing. I cannot believe that they turn their children loose in restaurants without acknowledging that they are creating a not-so-nice experience for other diners. I suspect they will be hypersensitive to any remarks I may make, but I can’t enjoy my meal while their children run wild. Do you have any suggestions?

Signed, Doris
From Memphis, Tennessee

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Dear Doris,

I can imagine how difficult it would be trying to enjoy a meal surrounded by children running amuck. However there are some things you can say and do, that will force those worthless parents into controlling the miniature terrorists… they literally created. Here are some recommendations that will likely get their attention. Tell the couple you have a friend that’s also an FBI profiler, and after you described their their kids to him, he believes their current behavior strongly suggests that they will all be in prison before their 21st birthday. Or, start openly giving their children nicknames like Hitler, Lizzie Borden, Jack the Ripper, etc. And when the couple doesn’t laugh, accuse them of not having a sense of humor about the horrible mistake they made by not consistently using birth control in the past. Or maybe this one. Slip a note to the server and tell them to call the police, and allege that the kids are so energetic, because the parents regularly sprinkle cocaine and crystal-meth each morning on their Captain Crunch and Froot Loops. But the best thing to do is to discourage them from even bringing their children to the restaurant, so try this. Inform the couple that you plan on start bringing some of your nieces and nephews that are about the same age as theirs, except yours are extremely violent. And then add that they are constantly betting each other, who can knock out the most front teeth in another kid with one punch, without the use of brass knuckles. Follow that up by asking the couple if they have a really good family dental plan. I hope this helps.

Blake

Adam Silver

• April 19, 2020


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