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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I have a problem I can’t fix. I have been married for 54 years. For the last 20 we have slept in different bedrooms. I get no affection from my wife, and everything has to be her way. We no longer have anything in common except our children and grandchildren who, for the most part, come to me only when they need something. Over the years, we have drifted apart, and there is no longer anything we enjoy doing together. I have told her many times that for my mental health we should part ways. She laughs and shrugs it off. Basically, to her I am a paycheck because I am the sole bread winner. What should I do?

Signed, Gallagher
From Chicago, Illinois

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Dear Gallagher,

It sounds like you are trying to rekindle and/or save your marriage. If your wife treats you as a paycheck, than I suggest you weaponize the funds and launch an immediate attack! Here are some of my suggestions. Let the house go into foreclosure, and the tell her you will be getting your own place soon, and you two will have separate bedrooms at separate addresses. Stop buying groceries, and you should eat at a restaurant before you go to work, at lunch, and have dinner before coming home for the day. Plus always enter your home wearing headphones to some music you are listening to, and explain to that old bat you’re trying to drown out the sound of her stomach growling. Or, if you each have your own car, sell hers and use the money to buy a new car in just your name, and then give her the bus schedule and Uber rates. My last suggestion is this.  Buy some ribs or hot and spicy chicken wings, and as soon as you enter your home, run to your bedroom and lock it. After that, use a fan to blow the mouthwatering aroma under the door. When your spouse starts knocking, begging for a few morsels, tell her the best you can do is slip her a napkin that you wiped your hands on. But if you are overwhelmed with compassion, then give her half of the food that you purchased… and I’m referring to sliding her the bones under the door. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• May 2, 2020


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