Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My husband loves our cat too much. He buys “Miss Kitty” special treats, pets her, talks nicely to her, plants quick kisses on the top of her head and lets her sit on his lap while he watches TV for hours. It’s like I’m nonexistent. I wish he would be that nice to me. He’s a good provider and, when we are away from the house, I have his full attention. I’m resenting this queen of our home. What should I do? I’d like to take her back to the animal shelter. It was my sorry idea to adopt her.

Signed, Valerie
From Anchorage, Alaska

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Valerie,

I think you have a legit complaint if you feel you’re being snubbed at home. But if “Miss Kitty” is trying to muscle in your time, she should be treated as an enemy, and that aloof feline should become a casualty of war. So, here are some of my suggestions. Buy a large breed dog like a Great Dane or a St. Bernard and intentionally don’t house break it. Once your husband gets tired of having to watch wear he steps, tell him if the dog goes, the cat goes. If he still refuses, buy a second large dog that you refuse to house break. Another possible way to make the cat disappear, is to replace her kitty litter with some quicksand. Or this idea might work. Get your own cat, specifically a lynx/bobcat. I assure you, it’ll be a matter of time before your “kitty” treats his kitty like a chew toy. Maybe you should just except the fact that your husband likes his furry friend, and you ought to get your own pet that does require your constant attention. I would encourage you to get a pet that would be really affectionate toward Miss Kitty. Thus I think a boa constrictor would be the perfect companion! I hear those things love giving hugs, especially when they get hungry. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• May 16, 2020


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or