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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

A few weeks ago, my husband and I had what I thought was a minor conflict, from which I walked away to avoid escalation. I could hear him continuing to rant, so I pulled up the security camera on my phone and watched and listened as he continued to say horrible things for an hour or more.

The words were so painful that I began to sob uncontrollably and screamed in anguish. He never came to console me. In fact, he told me to “shut up.” I’m not a crier, typically, so his blatant disregard for the effect his words had on me raises another level of concern.

We have since discussed the event, and his first defense was to say he didn’t know I could hear him. I’m angry and confused. What should I do?

Signed, Thelma
From Cleveland, Ohio

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Dear Thelma,

Your husband made a futile attempt to make amends with a left-handed apology. The only fair thing for you to do is to “apologize” for things you allegedly said that will be so disturbing to him, that he’ll curse the day he met you. Here are some suggestions. Tell him you apologize for constantly having fantasies of you having him cremated about an hour before he actually dies. Or you can humbly tell him you’re sorry that you have often told your co-workers that he’s a laughably lousy lover, which is why they were snickering when they walked past him at the annual company picnic. And this one should get his attention. Tell him you felt awful about telling people at a local health club that you wish he would start exercising, so he can regain some human-like physical features. But if you really want to see him have a nervous breakdown, try this idea. Put something in his food that will give it an unusual taste. Once his expression reflects that something is wrong, tell him that you put some fast acting cyanide in his food, however now you regret it, and you need to take him to the hospital immediately. Then tell him you’ll drive him there after you check your email, did some shopping on Amazon, and binge watched some of you favorite shows that you recorded on your DVR. Also tell him not to drop dead in the middle of the floor, because you wanted to do some vacuuming too. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• May 23, 2020


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