Dear Blake,

Last week, I was in my college’s cafe, minding my own business and studying for a test. I looked toward a group of guys that hang out there and made eye contact with a guy friend I’ve known since preschool. He made his way to my table, sat down and we started talking about classes and whatnot. Suddenly, he changed the subject and asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said no, and he blurted out that he’s in love with me! He said he has loved me for a very long time, that I am perfect in his eyes, and that I’m too harsh and doubt myself. Then he said he wants me to give him a chance.

The thing is, I don’t like him that way and never have. He’s not the type of guy I’m attracted to. How do I go about rejecting him without losing him as a friend?

Signed, Regina
From St. Paul, Minnesota

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Dear Regina,

It sounds to me like your admirer has been holding a torch for you for years. But, if you start saying some really disturbing things to him, you can douse those flames quicker than a NYC fire truck. Here are some of my suggestions. Pretend to have an obsession with reading about serial killers, and tell him with a creepy stare, that you’ll date him but he better not ever get you angry. Or, to pay for some of your college tuition, ask him if he would be willing to help you build a crystal-meth in your dorm room over the summer in order to make some quick cash. And this idea might make him rethink his attraction. Tell him that you joined this secret cult that you also want him to join. And during the initiation, both of you have to put a handful of bees in your mouths, and smile while they sting your tongues and gums, while break dancing. And if none of those work, this last idea should freak him out. Tell him you think he is a nice guy, but you like your men a lot older. Then add you would like to date his father, as long as he’s single… or unhappily married. As he tries to process that, ask him if the relationship gets serious with his dad, would he have a problem with eventually calling you “mom”. I hope this helps.

Blake

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