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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My girlfriend and I split up, but she doesn’t want to tell anyone or change stuff on Facebook. When I told her that, for now, I just want to be friends, she got mad at me for changing the password on my account. She can get mean and hateful when she doesn’t get her way, and she keeps bringing up my past and won’t let it go.

She wants to get back together. We have broken up and gotten back together several times. This time, though, I’m not sure I want to. I love her, but I don’t know how much more I can take. She tells me she’s sorry every time she calls me names or is mean and thinks that it will fix everything. She warned me not to put “single” on my Facebook profile. Please give me some advice. I don’t think this is healthy, and I don’t know what to do.

Signed, Gary
From Santa Fe, New Mexico

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Dear Gary,

You are living in a real “Fatal Attraction”. The difference is in this case, I’m sure she’s going to kill you, it’s just a matter of when. So, here are some of my suggestions. Anytime you are around her, wear something that monitors your vital signs, so the coroner and the homicide detective can pinpoint the exact time you “expired”, since your girlfriend probably won’t say anything unless her lawyer is present. If she has secretly taken out a large insurance policy on you, try to get a female that looks and sounds like her, to cancel the policy. This prevents her from leaving the country after she bumps you off, and relaxes on a beach in the Bahamas… while flirting with her next victim. If she ever stays overnight, let her hear you recite the popular children’s prayer “Now I lay me down to sleep”. If she has a sinister smile on her face when you say “if I die before I wake”, immediately leave and go sleep at a hotel, under a fake name. Finally, I think it’s best that you accept the fact that she’s going to get you, and you’re on borrowed time. So, the first chance you get, I would urge you to write your own eulogy, emphasizing your virtues, your accomplishments, and the things that you highly value that can be read during your memorial service. And most importantly, be sure to include how stupid you were to knowingly get involved with a lunatic, and your death only shows that the rest of your body simply caught up with you already being brain dead. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice ColumnFacebook

• July 18, 2020


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