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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

I’ve been happily married for 34 years, and my wife and I are supportive of each other. She’s a gourmet cook, and I’m an OK one. She takes extra care when she cooks. She wants her meals to be exceptional, and I appreciate it.

Sometimes she will cook something like an awesome enchilada casserole or pork loin. When she serves it, I like to add lots of other toppings, like sour cream and hot sauce or BBQ sauce. I don’t do it with everything — just with certain dishes. I always taste the food first, but I know how I like my food, and I season it the way I like.

She wishes I would eat her food the way she prepared it. She insists that by altering the dish, I ruin her creation, which is disrespectful. I disagree. I should be allowed to enjoy my food the way I want and not be made to feel bad about it.

Why would she want me to enjoy my meal less by not fixing it up the way I enjoy? We both agreed to seriously consider what you have to say about this.

Signed, Murray
From Raleigh, North Carolina

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Dear Murray,

It appears that your wife is irritated that you are tampering with her version of perfection. The only thing I can suggest for you to do, is for you to start preparing food that you know she’ll be reluctant to eat, and insist that she consumes it without complaining. Here are some “gourmet” ideas you may want to consider. Make her some burnt toast, and get angry if she attempts to scrape off the part of the bread that looks like charcoal frosting. If she enjoys desserts, have her try out your newly created tabasco pudding. And tell to enjoy the flavor the most, she must refrain from drinking water for at least a half an hour, even if she feels like she’s breathing fire. If she likes Italian food, hand her some uncooked spaghetti right out of the box, along with meatballs. Just in case she demands that you eat it too, tell her you already ate some an hour ago, you’re stuffed, and you demand that she stop stalling and start crunching. Finally during these hot summer months, everyone wants something cold. Hand her right out of the freezer, what looks like a home made fudgesicle. But after she takes a few licks and realizes that it’s not sweet, tell her it’s actually frozen liver. My guess is after that, she’ll buy you your own spice rack for the seasoning she’ll want to use after she prepares your meals. I hope this helps.

Blake

Blake's Advice Column

• July 19, 2020


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