Unconfirmed Breaking News
A (mis)trusted news source for over One 25th of a century

PURE SATIRE!!! UPDATED DAILY AT 7 AM PST (OR WHEN WE ARE GOOD AND READY) THREE BREAKING NEWS STORIES EVERY WEEKDAY, PLUS A PROBLEM SOLVING ADVICE COLUMN ON WEEKENDS ~ TO REMAIN UPDATED ON WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, RELY ON UNCONFIRMED BREAKING NEWS, BECAUSE WHEN THE NEWS BREAKS… WE'LL FIX IT!!!

BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS – New York City, New York – Mayor Bill de Blasio blamed the uptick in violence over the weekend on the coronavirus pandemic, while defending the city’s latest policing reforms and vowing to keep New York City “the safest big city in America.”

De Blasio held a press conference after a weekend of violence across New York City that left at least eight people dead and more than 44 people shot and injured.

“I have an aggressive innovative plan to end the murders in this city,” the mayor began. “Soon, we will be setting up a hotline for people who have the urge to kill, and we’ll pay them off, using the money I took from funding the police. Mafia hitmen and other contract killers will be paid nearly 50% of what they hired to do, to spare the victim’s life. Husbands and wives that are planning to bump off their spouse, will be paid 75% of the insurance policy they are trying to collect. And gang members and serial killers will get paid a small flat rate, since they usually murder someone for the entertainment value.”

Bill de Blasio

• July 8, 2020


Previous Post

Next Post

Leave a Reply

Or