Dear Blake,

People often stress out over the stuff that goes on in daily life and don’t seem to know how to deal with it. Frankly, I don’t know either, because I stress out more than most of the people I know. Do you have any advice on some things I can do to stress less?

Signed, Abner
From Oakland, California

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Dear Abner,

Daily stress is an issue for almost everyone. So I think you should respond to them with a reasonable amount of insanity which can release a lot of tension, even though it may add some to others. For starters, change your name. I have never met you, but your name sounds wimpy and because you haven’t changed it yet, suggests to me that you’re a spineless buffoon that needs guidance from mentors… like me. If any friends or family contact you in desperate need for your help, tell them that you don’t want to risk getting depressed over their dire straits, and you assisting them in any fashion may reduce the possibility of you smiling that day or being able to chuckle at a good joke. Then wish them luck, and don’t take any calls from them for at least a month, if not longer. If some person cuts you off while driving, avoid the desire to get angry displaying road rage. Just casually follow them, and when they park, leave a respectful but firm note on their dashboard showing your dissatisfaction with their unsafe driving. If their car is locked, take a jack handle and smash their windshield, and them leave the note on their dashboard. And lastly, if you’re married and your stress stems form that, then do this. Focus on what caused you to fall in love with your wife during the time you were dating… instead of embracing the reality that every morning you have to wake up laying to a wretched nag that you makes you often wish she was the first passenger on a spaceship to Mars, or a third class passenger on the Titanic. I hope this helps.

Blake

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