Dear Blake,

My husband’s best friend lives with us, and I love him like a brother. The problem is, he has no degree and no car and aspires to nothing more than work in fast food part time. We took him in to help him get through a bad divorce, and now it seems like he’ll never be able to leave.

He doesn’t make enough money to support himself and has no ambition for completing his education. My husband is convinced there is no path for him to better himself. Since I’m supporting all three of us, this has become a serious bone of contention. How can I improve this situation?

Signed, Millie
From Corpus Christi, Texas

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Dear Millie,

I understand your frustration with having some loser invade your space. But since you are supporting your husband too, it sounds like you have to deal with two losers. Anyway, here’s my advice on trying to run that parasite out of your home. Assign that freeloader some very undesirable chores around the house that he must complete, or he won’t be allowed to stay there. Things like washing your feet every time you enter the home, cleaning toilets hourly, and give close inspections of the roof daily, for possible weather damage. Or, demand that every day for lunch, he has to bring you a hamburger and fries from whatever fast food restaurant he’s working at, and then contact his boss and tell him that he’s stealing from the company. After he’s arrested, threaten to divorce your husband if he allows a thief in to live in your home. Or try this one. Convince that slacker that you are secretly in love with him, and you want him to challenge your husband in a duel using handguns. If you’re lucky, neither one of them will miss and you would’ve literally killed two birds with one stone. And lastly, try to pawn him off on someone else. Drop him off at a homeless shelter and convince them that he’s insane because he says he regular gets messages from Mars, and they’ll either send him to a mental institution… or NASA, either way he’ll be gone. I hope this helps.

Blake

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