Dear Blake,

I’ve been dating my widower boyfriend for four years, and for my birthday this year he gave me an inexpensive tea kettle. (I don’t drink tea.) I had been hinting that I would love a piece of fine jewelry because I have never received anything like that from him. Should I say something? A pretty necklace or a bottle of my favorite cologne are things I would have preferred — something thoughtful and meaningful. I feel sad and unappreciated.

Signed, Maria
From Lockport, Illinois

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Dear Maria,

I understand your disappointment in you receiving a gift that was a lot less than you desired. But what’s even worse, is the tea kettle may be a subliminal message that you should be concerned about, if not outright terrified. Ok, let’s look at some of the disturbing possibilities related to the tea kettle. The gift could be implying that he has found his true sole mate, and he knows he’ll be in hot water after he tells you that you’re about to be kicked to the curb? Or, it could mean that you have certain quirks that he finds irritating, and just thinking about you gets him steamed if not murderous fantasies. It’s even possible that the kettle is a reminder that he wants to marry you, and to always have a hot meal ready for him when he comes home from work. And if you’re not slaving over an oven, he wants you to shut up, stand at attention, and wait for further orders at the snap of his fingers. But the most likely reason he bought you the kettle, is he wants you to get used to stirring a small one, until he regularly purchases larger ones. Once they are full size, he probably expects you to invite women over with a mindset that is similar to yours every night, just to stir the pot during a full moon while casting spells. And if all of you are really ugly, that confirms that my last assessment is 100% correct. I hope this helps.

Blake

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