Dear Blake,

My husband and I moved to a new neighborhood right before COVID hit. One of our neighbors is frequently out inspecting our lawn and has even trespassed through our gate into our back yard to offer his “reminder” about lawn maintenance.

We mow our yard every few weeks because the grass doesn’t grow terribly fast. We don’t feel comfortable going out to buy a better lawn mower until things improve in our state. We also both work with people who are affected by the pandemic so, frankly, we have bigger concerns. How do we handle this diplomatically?

Signed, Rick
From Kansas City, Kansas

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Dear Rick,

Being diplomatic is almost always a good idea. On the occasions when it’s not such as this one, treat that boneheaded bully as a sworn enemy, and now it’s time to mount an offensive! Here are some tactics you should consider. Buy a pitbull and train it to believe that trespassers ankles, are snacks. Or, put some quicksand in your front yard, and as your nosy neighbor is sinking while screaming for help, toss him a rope… that’s not attached to anything. Or maybe this one. Put a dangerous poisonous snake in your front and back yard. Definitely don’t use a rattlesnake because they give off warnings before they strike. And my final idea, is to make some landmines and place them all over your property. But don’t make them too powerful, to insure that the self appointed lawn inspector’s body parts are tossed into one of your neighbor’s yard, because not only can that appear to be disrespectful, it also can be construed as littering, which probably violates a city ordinance. I hope this helps.

Blake

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