Dear Blake,

Being bored due to the quarantine, I signed up to Classmates.com to look for old friends. Moments later I received a response from a male classmate. We graduated the same year. I really don’t remember him, although he said he remembered me. Anyway, we started texting and exchanging graduation pictures. He still lives in our hometown; I don’t. We have started talking almost every day.

My problem is, we have so many things in common, from family to same make of car and insurance company, I have started getting a creepy feeling. It freaked me out to the point that I blocked him.

He was always respectful, but for us to have so much in common made my stomach lurch. Do you think this is possible? Or is there a chance he could be stalking me?

Signed, Nancy
From Springfield, Illinois

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Nancy,

There is obviously something weird going on. If he’s stalking you, I strongly advise you to launch a counter attack, that will make him pee in his pants… literally. To stop him from driving to your place, contact yours/his insurance company and accuse him of several hit and runs. Then inform them that he plans on faking massive back and neck injuries in an upcoming staged car accident, and maybe they’ll cancel his policy. Or, you can tell him that you feel that you two would best friends if he was a woman, and you plan on altering his gender as soon as you can research how it’s done, after purchasing a scalpel on Amazon. How about this idea. Tell him you are now participating in a membership drive for a local cult that performs human sacrifices. And then invite him to attend one of the functions, but first insisting that he doesn’t tell anyone that he’s coming, plus you need to know if he can be identified through dental records. Lastly, tell him that you  are impressed that you two have so much in common. Ask him if he has a high powered rifle with a scope like yours, and that you can easily pick off any irritating loser from 300 yards. And one evening when he is outside, call him and ask him to hold still, so you can put laser light on his heart, instead of his forehead, just in case his family wants to have an open casket at his funeral. I hope this helps.

Blake

Leave a Reply