Dear Blake,

Prior to the pandemic, I used to meet up with an old friend of nearly 20 years a few nights a week at a local watering hole.

The bars and restaurants are only starting to reopen now, but for the past six weeks, he has taken an Uber to my house every night for “porch drinking,” which consists of him drinking large amounts of whiskey (which he brings) and retelling the same stories I have heard before.

One night he came over while I was sleeping (I had taken a late afternoon nap), helped himself to a drink, and started drinking and smoking on my back porch.

He arrives with no invitation. On the few occasions where I have brought this up, he has said he will never “grace me with his presence again,” adding that his lease is running out anyway, so he will just move elsewhere. But the next day, lo and behold, he shows up on my porch and says he doesn’t remember saying anything like that, then promptly starts drinking.

One time I sent him away, and he then claimed he was going to visit relatives in another state the next day, and would catch up with me in a month when he returned. He showed up at my house the next night. This is driving me crazy. Do you have any suggestions on how I can put a stop to this?

Signed, Anthony
From New Orleans, Louisiana

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Dear Anthony,

It sounds to me like your friend has gotten on your last nerve. In this case, the best thing to do is to make your old pal feel as “unwelcome” as possible, no matter how much he gets physically and/or emotionally damaged. Ok, here are some of my ideas. When you know he’s close to your house, get in your vehicle as he pulls up, and tell him you are on your way to drive to see the entire country, and you won’t be back until 2028, or when his liver gives out, whichever one comes first. Or, you call loosen the floor boards on your porch, so he’ll get tired of falling to the ground, and have to spend time picking splinters out of his butt. And this one might work. Tell him that he no longer has to bring booze because you will supply it, and then charge him such an outlandish fees to drink it, that within a month, he is contemplating filing bankruptcy. And lastly, because he pays someone to drive him around, then he probably has a drinking problem. So consider doing this. The next time he gets drunk over your house, pay an  Uber driver to drop him off at the nearest  swamp. The benefits are twofold. One is, you’ll be rid of that selfish insensitive loser. And two, there is no way while being loaded, can he get away from a pursuing hungry alligator, which in turns feeds the wild life in one of beautiful national parks. I hope this helps.

Blake

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