Dear Blake,

My mother-in-law has a disgusting habit: Whenever I’m starting to cook something with raw hamburger, she grabs a mouthful. I have tried explaining how dangerous it is, but she won’t listen to reason. She says she’s been doing it since she was a kid (she’s 80 now). I’ve tried pointing out that the meat supply is not the same as it was then, but her response is “it hasn’t hurt me yet!” Please advise.

Signed Heather,
From Soda Springs, Idaho

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Dear Heather,

In my opinion, what your mother-in-law is doing is unsanitary. So, I think you should do something that will not only keep her out of your kitchen, it’ll keep her out of your county. Consider these options. Every she reaches for some of the food, swat her hand with a metal spatula. She’ll get the message when she notices that every time she leaves your house, her knuckles are bleeding. Since she likes grabbing a handful of “meat” and wolfing it down, the next time she has a cold and loses her since of smell, have sitting on your kitchen counter, a plate full of fertilizer. Or, lead her to believe that you are cooking a pot of stew, when in reality beneath the vegetables are a few hungry piranha. As she reaches in to look for some meat, she’ll probably pull her hand out… minus a couple of fingers, and you can leave those in if they are seasoned properly. And finally, if she gets drunk, have her grab some ground beef that’s being cooked on a skillet. And to make sure the food doesn’t get stuck in her throat and burn her, lubricate her tonsils by using pouring some hot grease from the pan that was used to make the hamburgers. Don’t forget to ask while she’s screaming, “Would you like some fries with that?” I hope this helps.

Blake

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