Dear Blake,

Coming upon a stranger in the rain, I offered to share my large umbrella with her. She came underneath the umbrella and said, “I suppose that you say that to all pretty ladies.”

I was shocked to have a gesture of simple humanity framed as sexual predation. We walked on without another word until parting ways at the next intersection. Naturally, she never thanked me. Should I have withdrawn the umbrella after her initial comment?

Signed, Emerson
From New York City, New York

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Dear Emerson,

I have no idea why that woman made such a pointless comment to your kind chivalrous gesture. You should’ve followed her, and as soon as she was out of the rain, shook you umbrella in her face, while saying she needs a bath for having such filthy thoughts. Here are some other suggestions. While walking with her, you should’ve closed the umbrella abruptly, and then lead her face first to the nearest pole or any object that could’ve knocked some sense into her. Or, you could’ve given her the umbrella when lightning was striking, hoping that the top of the umbrella gets struck. If that happened, considering how the high voltage will affect her hair, accuse her of being racially insensitive when she has a huge static charged afro, if she’s not black. Or, you could’ve stopped at a large puddle on the street near a bus stop. And as the bus approached, make sure she is in the best spot to be splashed with plenty of liquid trash. Finally, considering that she made the comment “I suppose that you say that to all pretty ladies”, you should’ve responded, “No, only to the ones who’s make-up I don’t want to see run in the rain, because I have feeling without it, your witch-like features could probably scare thunder clouds.” I hope this helps.

Blake

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