Dear Blake,

I am a grandmother whose 4-year-old grandson desperately needs a haircut. Is it OK for Santa to get him a gift card for a haircut?

Signed, Ellen
Form Louisville, Kentucky

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Dear Ellen,

The decision to get your grandson’s hair cut lies exclusively with the parents. However, there are some tactics you can use that will encourage his mom and dad to promptly shave him clean. Here are some ideas. Secretly convince your grandson that his long hair makes him look like a little girl, and then tells him that if doesn’t get it cut, you’re going to start buying him Barbies, plus he’ll be getting monthly cramps before he’s six. Or, you can put some lice in his hair, and threaten to call CPA if his father and mother don’t start taking his hygiene serious, starting by keeping his hair cut short. Or maybe, you can persuade the little brat to want a trim, after getting him to believe that long hair will pull out some of his brain cells, which will cause him to be a complete imbecile by the time he’s in second grade. And finally, you can create a medical crisis that could resolve the problem. While your grandson is sleeping, spray paint a racial slur in his hair. When he goes to kindergarten, and some of his classmates get angry at the offensive word(s), an assault will take place. At that point it’s a simple medical decision, because doctors routinely shaves a person head before giving them some stitches on their scalp. I hope this helps.

Blake

Leave a Reply