Dear Blake,

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man, “Andy,” for two years. I couldn’t ask for a better partner. We are both divorced with children, and they get along like brothers and sisters.

Even though our marriages ended, mine wasn’t an ordeal. My ex and I both knew it wasn’t working anymore, and we still get along pretty well. But Andy and his ex-wife never got along and argued for 18 years, and herein lies the problem. He gives me no space — ever.

I have discussed it with him numerous times, and his response is, “Well, I have never been this happy, and I love spending time with you.” I enjoy our time, too, but I feel controlled without him acting controlling. He wants to be with me every minute. I look forward to going to work to escape! How can I get him to listen?

Signed, Maya
From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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Dear Maya,

It’s unfortunate that your husband won’t give you space to breathe. The best thing to do is for you to get even closer to him, to the point where he believes that you’re threatening his happiness and mental stability. So here are some ideas. The next time he’s sleeping sound at night, chain your ankles together and either hide or destroy the key. Make him feel like he’s a prisoner at an early 1900’s state prison in Louisiana. Or, if he’s sitting on the toilet in the bathroom, sit next to him forcing him to move over, and then engage him in small talk, as he tries to process the insanity of your actions. Or maybe this idea. When you make dinner, use just one plate and one fork for both of you. And frequently snatch the food from the fork when it’s his turn to use it, and gobble it down like a hungry rabid wolf. Lastly, buy a lot of super glue and let him see it. Then inform him that when he goes to sleep, you’re going to smear it all over the back of your body, and then induce him to snuggle as the front of his body bonds to yours. To make sure he understands what happens next, so him pictures of some very ghastly horrific skin grafts. I hope this helps.

Blake

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