Dear Blake,

My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost five years. His parents bought a house a few doors down. They pop in whenever they feel like it and even walk into our bedroom while we are in bed. I need this to stop.

His mother and I had a falling-out in the past because she felt she had a right to control everything down to where I keep my dirty laundry. This is a touchy subject with my boyfriend, let alone his mother. Please help me.

Signed, Lanette
From Dallas, Texas

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Dear Lanette,

Your boyfriend’s mother is crossing a line in a big way. The only thing I can suggest is for you to do, is put that deranged woman in a position, that not only will she never barge in again, she’ll submit to you a written request thirty days in advance that she’s coming over, assuming she doesn’t move out of the state to get as far away from you as she can! Ok, here are some suggestions. Appearing to be half asleep, scream at the top of your lungs the next time she walks in your bedroom at night. Tell her you thought she was a zombie, and then insist that you show her the proper way to apply make-up. Or, go into her bedroom at night while he’s snoozing, turn on the lights and say to her, “I guess your son was serious, when he said your husband can’t stand touching you.” She goes through your laundry? Really? Try this. Sneak into her laundry, tossing in some sexy underwear, and start texting her husband from a throw away phone asking, “What time does that old bag go to work so I can come over.” Him telling her he has no idea who is sending him the messages will drive her crazy, because she won’t believe a word he’s saying. And finally, this idea might rid you of her, permanently. Replace your lock with a keypad, and give her a code that secretly alerts the police that your potential mother-in-law is wearing a suicide vest and she must be immediately taken out by a skilled sniper. And if your boyfriend wants to sue the cops for wrongful death, tell the police that he was one that recruited his mother into joining ISIS. I hope this helps.

Blake

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