Dear Blake,

My brother, who lives 1,000 miles away, is thinking of moving back to our hometown to be around family and “start over.” I love him. He’s not a bad person, but he was a terrible father.

The problem is, some of his children and grandchildren plan to move with him. The “children” and their children are felons, ex-cons, drug addicts, alcoholics and thieves. My brother is none of those things.

I am willing to welcome him, but my husband and I want nothing to do with his kids or grandkids. I don’t trust them to be in my house. There’s no way we will welcome them into our family or do whatever it is they expect of us to start a new life. I don’t think it is our responsibility. My children (their cousins) want nothing to do with them, either. How do I handle this?

Signed, Rochelle
From Red Oak, Iowa

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Dear Rochelle,

I don’t think you should say anything to your brother because it might hurt his feelings. Instead, I believe you and your family should secretly declare war against those losers, with the goal to neutralize them at any cost. Here are some ideas. Find out if there is a reward for any of your criminal relatives. If there is, turn them in, use the money to have a party to celebrate their incarceration, and then go after the next one. Or, spread malicious rumors about them that causes all of the residents in your tiny hick community, to run them out of town. Look at some classic Frankenstein movies on how to angrily carry pitchforks and torches. Or maybe this idea. Monitor their house 24/7. And if you see something questionable, record it and testify to what you saw, plus make up some stuff that you didn’t see, if you think it will secure search warrants and possible arrests. And finally, my favorite idea is this. Send them a letter that appears to be from the Mafia in New York. Include in the letter that the Mafia is impressed with what the past activities of some of your brother’s children and adult grandchildren, and that the mob wants to offer all of them some very lucrative jobs. When they pack their bags and start travelling to the Big Apple, send an anonymous letter to every godfather in NYC, letting them know that a new organized crime family is heading their way, and plans to bump all of them off, one at a time. I would also suggest that you try to act surprised when those particular relatives come up missing. I hope this helps.

Blake

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