Dear Blake,

Our 21-year-old daughter has been home since March when the pandemic began. She has always been a homebody. Our house is small, and my wife and I no longer can be alone or be physically intimate because our daughter prevents it.

If we hug for an extended period of time, she will make a comment. If we want to watch a movie, she wants to hang out, and we can’t watch it without her. My wife and I need privacy, and we need our adult daughter to cut the cord.

Our marriage really evolved and we grew even closer when “the kid” moved out for college. Now we can’t escape her. I miss my wife and our alone time. What should we do?

Signed, Jordan
From Biloxi, Mississippi

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Dear Jordan,

I think it’s great that you found a new appreciation for your wife. As far as you daughter is concerned, you must put everything on the table to get her to leave, including purchasing a trained pitbull that attacks on command. Here are some other ideas. Take the doors off of her bedroom and the bathroom, and tell her in the future, no one is allowed to have any privacy because it invokes suspicions. Or, tell her that effective immediately, you’re imposing a curfew on her, and she is to be home everyday by 9 p.m.  If she violates the directive, lock the doors and leave a note outside giving her the names and addresses of local hotels and homeless shelters. Or this idea. Tell her that you and you wife want to try to have another child, and the attempts will begin that night. That imagery is always fairly disturbing to adult children, so she’ll probably start packing her bags to leave… after she finishes vomiting. And lastly, if she wants to hang out and watch a movie, only look at flicks where the mother and dad are abusing their child. While viewing it, you and your wife should say things like, “I wish we would’ve done that” or “Maybe we should try it now because it’s still two against one”. And if that’s still not enough for her to scram, let her see both of you repeatedly glaring her, while you’re on Amazon ordering a rubber hose. I hope this helps.

Blake

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