Dear Blake,

I met my wife when we were very young and into partying. We’re now middle-aged and heading in different directions.

I focus on physical and mental well-being. I work out daily, eat healthy and maintain a positive attitude. She spends her free time lying around, drinking, smoking and constantly exposing herself to negativity through the internet. She’s now on medication for depression and anxiety.

My attempts at discussion are mostly met with anger and defensiveness or are dismissed as “a bad time to talk.” I feel we have reached a crossroads in our health. I want her to be as fit and healthy as possible so we can enjoy our golden years together. How do I get her to join me in a healthier lifestyle before it’s too late?

Signed, Seymour
From Kansas City, Kansas

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Dear Seymour,

Your wife has some serious issues that she needs to be address. Sometimes it’s necessary to destroy a person before you can build them up, and your wife’s case, use plenty of dynamite. Here are some suggestions for your consideration. Locate on Facebook one of her former high school classmate that she was jealous of during her teenage years, and then tell your wife how attractive her classmate “still” is. Get some pictures of a person lungs and liver after they have been smoking and drinking for decades, blow them up to 24 x 36 and have these images framed, matted, and placed all over your house. To show her how negative she is, you should be even more negative than she is, being brutally irrationally critical of everything, including noble causes like homeless shelters, food drives, and scientists “squandering” their time trying to cure diseases. Lastly, try this. If you think her lifestyle is going to drastically reduce her life expectancy, write out the eulogy for her “upcoming” funeral and practice it daily in front of her. And to be especially irritating, conclude each tribute with you singing and old negro spiritual… off key. I hope this helps.

Blake

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