Dear Blake,

I am 9 years old, and I have a twin brother. Sometimes he’s nice to me and other times he’s annoying. When he’s annoying, sometimes he doesn’t stop. Everywhere I go — our car, the kitchen, table, everywhere — I hear him babbling about nonsense. Even in my happy place (my bedroom). I wish I could lock my bedroom door, but my parents keep telling me not to lock ANY of the doors (except the car) in the house. Could you tell me what to do, please? I’d really like to stop being annoyed for once in my life.

Signed, Glenn
From, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

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Dear Glenn,

Siblings can often be very irritating. The good news is, because you live with them, it gives you limitless opportunities to be as vengeful as you want, and they have no place hide. Here are some ideas for your consideration. Secretly save any allowance money, and try to buy the exact same clothes your brother has. Get to school before your brother does, do something terrible, and then run out and change clothes so you aren’t wearing what your brother is wearing that day. At least when he gets expelled you won’t have to worry about seeing him in any of your classes. Or, learn the skills of a ventriloquist, and say something really disrespectful to one of your parents when you brother is nearby. When they noticed that your lips didn’t move, your brother will regularly suffer the consequences of “your” actions. This idea might drive him crazy. Every time he speaks, repeat his exact same words but add to it an echo effect. In time, that will become so irritating, that he’ll only want to communicate around you using hand signals. And finally, there is one thing that I’m concerned about, which is, do you really have a twin brother or are you schizophrenic with a dual personality. To play it safe, get rid of all the mirrors in your house, because they may be indirectly stimulating your increasingly disturbing maniacal confusion. I hope this helps.

Blake

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