Dear Blake,

I am retired, so I have free time on my hands. Recently, while doing a favor for a neighbor couple, I was standing on their porch when a board broke and one of my legs went through up to my thigh. They expressed concern at the time, and I told them I thought I was OK.

The next day, my knee and upper thigh were swollen and bruised. My leg is improving each day, and for that I’m thankful. This happened more than two weeks ago, and I have not gotten a phone call or anything else from these neighbors. Have people really gotten that insensitive, or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Signed, Ralph
From New Orleans, Louisiana

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Dear Ralph,

I’m sorry about your injury. I am considering all options regarding the cause of the accident, and unfortunately, none of them are disturbing. Anyway here are some possibilities. It could be that your neighbors have homeowner’s insurance, and they don’t want to report it, because they don’t want it public that the likes of you was ever a guest. Or, the broken floorboard could’ve intentionally placed there to encourage people to leave that have overstayed their welcome. Or maybe this even creepy possibility. Under the floorboards could’ve been some bodies placed there by a family of serial killers. To play it safe, check the soles of the shoes you wore at that time, to see if you have lodged in them, some teeth and/or bone fragments. On the other hand, your neighbors may be good decent people, that have set up the floorboard to cave in, to give you a friendly hint that you are dangerously overweight. So, out of curiosity, how many times do you go to McDonald’s in a 24 hour period? Do you sometimes walk up to the drive-up window? On a positive note, it’s entirely possible that the floorboards prevented you from falling all the way down to China… butterball. I hope this helps.


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