Dear Blake,

I know you have had this happen: You meet a new person (usually a woman), extend your hand to shake hello, only to have your hand pushed aside with “Oh, I’m a hugger,” and you are latched onto by this total stranger.

Really, what makes people think everybody wants to be hugged? They may think it’s sweet; I think it is invasive. Hands over hugs any day, please. Your thoughts.

Signed, Hank
From Buffalo, New York

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Dear Hank,

I agree with you that people should not be inappropriately affectionate. What I strongly recommend for you to do, is to conclude that these “hugs” are an assault, and for you to mount an aggressive counter attack. Here are some ideas, and they apply to both men and women that attempt to grab you while saying they’re a “hugger”. The next person that says that, while they are reaching for you, you say “I’m a stomper” and quickly come down on their toes, with the force that has them immediately hopping around in pain, confused on what just happened. Or say, “I’m a puncher” and give them a forceful shot to the stomach. It’s a good idea to step back if they just ate, in case they start throwing up and ruining your clothes. Or this idea. Say to them “I’m a kicker”, and then aim for shins or knee caps. This reduces the possibility of them hugging… and walking. And finally, if the person is a lot shorter than you are, let them hug you. You on the other hand should hug them around their neck, tighter, and tighter, and tighter. And right before they blackout, you should say “I’m a strangler”. I hope this helps.

Blake

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