BREAKING NEWS – St. Louis, Missouri – Brewing company Anheuser-Busch announced it will lay off hundreds of employees across its U.S. corporate staff.
“I think the pendulum has finally swung to the end,” state Oxygen Financial CEO Ted Jenkin. “The stock is down 12% over the last three months, and it’s down $16 billion in market cap and the corporation needs to clean it up so they can try to fix the stock price for their shareholders. What’s the easiest way to do that? Make the heads roll of the people who created the problem.”
In a leaked email, CEO Brendan Whitworth emphatically stated, “I want to lay off every employee that had regular contact with our marketing team, and didn’t discourage them for peddling their idiotic financially suicidal transgender nonsense!”