BREAKING NEWS – Cambridge, Massachusetts – Harvard students penned an editorial in the university’s student newspaper calling on embattled President Claudine Gay to resign from her position following weeks of allegations regarding antisemitism and plagiarism.
“University President Claudine Gay should resign,” the piece titled, “Dissent: For Harvard’s Sake, It’s Time to Let Gay Go,” began. “Harvard’s presidency is no mere empty honor; it is a deeply challenging managerial job with deeply challenging duties, not least of which is navigating national outcry,” the piece continued.
“These Jews are undoubtedly students with anger management issues,” responded Gay. “So I am mandating that they either start attending group therapy to control their tempers, or I’ll expel them and hopefully have them deported back to Bethlehem!”